


Memento Mori

by Ariejul



Series: Alone in the Fallout [15]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst and Feels, Apologies, F/M, Happy? Moments, He's actually pretty good at it, Heart-to-Heart, Issues with a capital I, It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, It's going to be okay right?, MacCready tries to help, New Discoveries, Sadness, Sole Survivor doesn't know what to do, Sole Survivor talks about her life before the Bombs, Spoilers, Surprises, Talk of Shaun's insecurities, Tough Questions, Traveling, Trust, fear of the future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 02:56:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11371140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariejul/pseuds/Ariejul
Summary: Memento Mori: "remember that you will die," a reminder of mortality or the inevitable transformation of life into death.Julia and MacCready head to Goodneighbor. Julia learns something that shakes her to the core.Post-game.Takes place after Sehnsucht.





	Memento Mori

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to take a moment to thank everyone following along with this little thrill ride. I never expected it to be so well liked, and it warms my heart <3 
> 
> Y'ALL ROCK! 
> 
> And please, feel free to comment and chat about stuff. I love to babble about Fallout (or most anything) when I get started, as RemindMeWhoIAm can attest. :)
> 
> My babbles about the actual story are in the end notes.
> 
> Enjoy! Please comment/kudos if you do!

“Deacon,” she growls, rubbing her forehead with her fingers, “ _Ryan._ Calm down. It’s fine. I won’t be gone long.”

“There is no way in hell I’m letting you traipse alone across the Commonwealth with _MacCready,_ of all people.” He’s got his sunglasses on, even though they’re alone in her living room. Definitely means he doesn’t plan on staying. Or wants to be able to bolt quickly. Frankly, whatever the reason, it just irritates her.

“Why? Do you honestly think he’d pull something, Ryan? You can’t be _that_ jealous.” Julia scoffs, anger bubbling hot under her skin as she heads toward her bedroom. She’s got to get her armor and weapons out of storage, and as far as she’s concerned, this conversation is over.

“Do you _really_ not notice the way he still looks at you?” Deacon’s voice is hard, but there’s a note of something raw underneath. Something she can’t quite place, but it almost sounds like fear.

That causes her to pause mid-step. She swivels back toward him, brows knit together. “I trust him, Ryan,” she replies softly, the fire leaving her. With a sigh, she walks back over and takes his hands. “I know it’s hard, but try to trust me on this, okay?”

His gaze softens as he threads his fingers through hers. “Let me go with you.”

Julia’s heart twists at that soft request, and if it was any other time, she would acquiesce in an instant. But… “Not this time, alright? It isn’t that I don’t want you to,” she adds, quickly, “I just… Shaun was really upset before when… everything happened, and because I was too wrapped up in my own head and a terrible mother, I didn’t notice until much later. He felt abandoned, with no one to turn to. I don’t… Can you… would you stay with him while I’m gone? Please?”

“You aren’t a terrible mother, Jules.” His voice is unbelievably gentle, kind in a way that breaks her.

She looks up into his face, eyes hidden by dark plastic. She hates it but makes no move to take them off. “Even so, can you stay?”

After a few long moments, he reluctantly nods. “Fine. I can do that.”

She nods, pleased. “Sturges was just recently able to boost the power to the radio transmitter in Goodneighbor similar to the Castle, remember? I’ll make sure to pop in on the ham radio when we get there to let you know everything’s fine. Sound good?”

“Just, be careful,” he manages, his face unreadable.

Julia leans up and kisses him. “I always am.”

It’s obvious he isn’t happy, but he’ll let her go without a fuss. Any _more_ fuss, anyway. It’s the best she can ask for, honestly. At least he isn’t demanding someone else go.

When Bobby had asked her to travel with him to pick up some information that had come in about his old homestead back in the DC Wastes, there was no way she could refuse. He’d just looked so damned worried, said she was the only one he could trust.

She knows Bobby would never forgive her if she let Deacon or anyone else tag along.

A wave of vertigo hits her suddenly, and she grips Deacon’s arms tightly, clamping her eyes shut in the hopes it’ll pass.

“Jules?” he asks, noticing that something is wrong.

She manages to meet his eyes with a smile, relaxing her grip. “I’m just worried about you, so quit looking like the world’s going to end. In case you missed it, it already _has._ Had a front row seat for that crazy ride, remember?”

She isn’t sure he believes her, but he lets it slide. He huffs, looking for all the world a child. He even pokes out his bottom lip and fakes a sniffle. “B-but, _Juuuuuules –_ ” She is definitely not a fan of him _whining_ her name “– You’re leaving me for a younger man.”

“Oh, honestly, _you,_ ” she murmurs with affection, managing to give him a noogie without the world shifting too terribly. “I gotta get my stuff ready, so shoo.”

His face lights up hopefully, and she knows from experience that it means nothing but trouble. “So, what you’re saying is if I don’t let you go, you can’t leave? That’s how it works, right?”

Shooting him a look of fond suffering, she pushes him out the door. “Scoot, I have stuff to do. Go pester Shaun and Duncan. You all act about the same age anyway.”

He grumbles something unintelligible that sounds vaguely like “buzzkill” but wanders off with a backwards wave.

Julia shuts the door and slides down it heavily. If he had left any later, she’s almost certain she would have wobbled right off her feet, and if that happened, he would rescind his okay with her journey in a heartbeat. Not that she’d blame him. There’s no way in hell she’d let him walk out of Sanctuary if he couldn’t stay on his feet, either. She pushes away the curl of guilt in her chest as she leans forward so her head is firmly between her knees. She reminds herself to drink some water soon.

When she was a teenager, she randomly had these sort of spells. They lessened to the point she all but forgot about them as she got older, but this feels very much like she remembers and water always seemed to help. Rubbing her forehead, she takes several deep breaths, and once everything stops tilting to the side in such an exquisitely sickening way, she sets about getting ready.

It doesn’t take long, considering she never really unpacked her bag from when she’d chased after Deacon all those months back – _hell, it’s nearly been a year –_ just tossed it in the closet and forgot about it. She grabs Deliverer and Tinker Tom Special, along with a can of water, and heads to the weapon bench. Both weapons are in dire need of some maintenance before she hits the road.

By the time she’s finished with her tinkering, the sun is starting to sink below the horizon, so she heads for home. Julia isn't surprised to find Deacon waiting on her. He might as well live with them, for all he uses his own bed these days. At this point, his place is just somewhere to put all his junk. He certainly would have a hard time fitting all of his books and disguises in Julia’s bedroom.

Not that she wouldn’t mind trying, but it isn’t a subject she’s felt comfortable approaching. She knows having his own space, a place he can run back to regardless of how often it’s used, makes Deacon feel safe, and she would never begrudge him that. She has her own safety net, after all, thinking of Nate’s ring pressing against her skin, and how Deacon has never once mentioned it in all this time, never asked her to take it off. She doubts he ever would.

The man in question pulls her close, hands snaking up under her shirt and along her ribs, and Julia shivers. His intentions for the evening are quite obvious, but she reluctantly pushes back gently. “Can we just… cuddle tonight? I’m really tired.”

His expression falters, but it’s gone in an instant. “’Course we can,” he replies jovially with a half grin, pulling her into the halo of his arms.

Julia ignores the fact that it sounds more than a little forced and curls against his chest. She feels guilty for turning him down, but she really _is_ exhausted. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day full of nothing but walking; she needs the best sleep she can get. Julia’s out the moment her eyes close.

 

Traveling with Bobby to Goodneighbor feels like a well-worn comfortable pair of pants, even after all this time. He looks anxious most of the way, and when he talks, he’s doing little more than babbling unconsciously about their surroundings. Julia’s worried about him, but she lets it slide for now. He doesn’t seem distracted from his task, still scanning for potential threats as he goes. It isn’t a terribly difficult trip, but fatigue drags down Julia’s arms and legs, though she does her best to hide it. She doesn’t want to slow Bobby down.

“Did John give you any idea what this mysterious news might be?” she asks, trying to distract herself from just how off she feels. Maybe she’s gotten too soft, bumming around Sanctuary for so long. She makes a mental note to get out more often. Maybe she’ll go hunting Radstag in the woods with Preston the next time he goes. She wouldn’t mind spending a little time with him; they see so little of each other nowadays.

Bobby glances back at her, shaking his head. He’s far too focused to notice Julia’s fatigue, and she is certainly glad of that. There’s tension humming down the lines of his shoulders, and Julia doesn’t want to add to that with her own bullshit. “No. Just said it was important. I don’t… the woman who took care of Duncan while I was gone, May, I told her she could have it. That should’ve been the end of it.”

Julia nods. She doesn’t know what else to say.

They’re actually pretty close to Goodneighbor now, and it’s been surprisingly easy to skirt around any threats. Most they’ve had to do is handle a few packs of wild dogs and the odd lone feral ghoul. That luck, however, doesn’t hold; in sight of Goodneighbor’s flickering neon, a group of raiders ambush them. Before they know it, they’ve been pinned down behind some old rubble. The bastards managed to set up a turret, and it’s preventing them from doing much more than blind cover fire. It’s enough of a spray to keep the raiders from rushing their hiding place, but not terribly effective for much else.

Bobby manages to squeak in a few shots with his rifle before the turret whirls toward him, but thankfully the stupid thing isn’t looking healthy as it sparks and whines ominously. The raiders don’t seem to care, firing haphazardly at them. Luckily enough, none of them seem to be able to shoot worth a damn.

She leans out, target in her sight when things start to tip violently. “No, not _now_ ,” she murmurs.

Swallowing down the wave of nausea that follows, Julia manages to get the shot off. The turret explodes in a hail of fire and shrapnel, taking the nearest raiders with it. Shaking her head only makes the dizziness worse, and she leans heavily against the concrete behind her. Clutching her rifle close, she breathes deep in attempt to steady herself. Bobby is busy working on the remaining hostiles; he hasn’t noticed her distress yet.

If she can just push through this… he needs her. She has to help, but even trying to lift her rifle makes her vision quake and go fuzzy, stomach somersaulting to the point she nearly retches. Blackness starts to seep around the edges of her sight. Julia manages to weakly call his name before the world fades away.

 

She wakes to Doctor Amari standing over her. Jerking forward, everything spins like mad, and she falls back against the bed. Or whatever she’s lying on. Honestly, she just doesn’t care at this point.

“Is she… okay, doc?” she hears from somewhere behind Amari, instantly recognizing the worried tone as Bobby. Right. She collapsed fighting raiders. Well, at least she didn’t die. Her boys would have been devastated.

Doctor Amari spares a glance behind her, continuing her ministrations. Julia flinches a little at the odd tenderness of her stomach when Amari’s fingers explore there, but otherwise, nothing feels wrong. The doctor rises, wiping her hands. “Yes, Mr. MacCready. Your friend is alright.”

“What a relief,” he says, and Julia, now able to see him, watches the tension melt from his face. A pang of guilt worms its way into her chest. She really hadn’t meant to add to his worries, but thinking back on it, her passing out in the middle of battle probably nearly gave him a heart attack.

Amari turns back to her, her stern gaze making Julia flinch. “However, you _do_ need to rest. I can’t force you, but I advise at least two days of bed rest. A woman in your condition should not be wandering around the Commonwealth.”

That catches her attention. “My _condition?_ Doctor Amari, what’s wrong with me?”

“Like I said, nothing’s _wrong,_ Ms. Rickson,” she says, softly, with a touch of exasperation, “You’re just expecting.”

Julia blinks once. Twice. Her head feels full of cotton, and Amari isn’t making any sense right now. “Expecting? Expecting what?”

Amari exhales, rubbing her temples. “A child, Ms. Rickson. You’re pregnant.”

She suddenly feels a flash of cold, much like the abrupt blast of the cryo chamber. It’s far from pleasant. “I… what?”

“Julia…?” she can hear Bobby from somewhere to her right, but she can’t focus. This is… She can’t… She just _can’t…_ “Doc, are you sure?” Bless him for asking the question she can’t quite manage.

“It isn’t my area of expertise, but I’ve examined enough patients to be confident in my diagnosis,” Amari says calmly. “I'd suggest you speak with someone more experienced in the field at your earliest convenience.”

She feels like she suddenly can’t breathe. It makes sense. She knows deep down it does. The odd aches, the fatigue, the dizziness, nausea, they were all symptoms she had with Shaun, too. Not quite so acutely, but hey, the world ended in between, so that probably has something to do with it. How could she not have noticed and put it together?

“I...” she looks hopelessly between the doctor and Bobby and can’t manage another word.

Amari’s eyes soften, patting her shoulder. “If you have any questions, I would be more than happy to answer to the best of my ability. It’s the least I can do.”

Julia thinks for a moment as best she can through the haze. Nothing comes to mind.

Amari then turns to Bobby. “I assume you’re the father? I’ll answer any questions you have as well.”

Julia chokes, and Bobby turns a delightful shade of blood red. “Oh, no. No, definitely not. She’s just a friend. _Really_.” His voice cracks a little at the end, and she can’t help but feel bad for him.

Amari’s gaze widens in surprise. “Oh, well, I apologize,” she says. “I’ll still answer any of your questions.”

“How far along is she?” Bobby manages after a moment.

“It’s difficult to say, but likely still in the first trimester. So, three months at most? I’m really not comfortable trying to narrow it down any further.” When neither of them ask anything more, Amari begins to pack up her bag, another reminder to rest given before taking her leave.

“Thanks, doc,” Bobby says, walking her to the door.

“Of course. You know where to find me if you need anything else.” And with that, she’s gone.

Julia sighs, gripping the dingy comforter and wishing more than anything that this was just some dream. She doesn’t want to face this now, maybe not ever. “Shut the door. Please, Bobby.”

He nods, eyeing her worriedly as he does. Pulling his hat off and tossing it on the dresser, he sits in the only chair in the room and runs a hand through his hair. Bobby’s clearly nervous and doesn’t know what to do with himself, drumming his fingers on his thighs. It’s like watching a string wound too tight, and she has to look away.

Tears press behind her eyes, and Julia can barely keep them at bay.

Bobby doesn’t say anything, not for a long time. He exhales loudly, and when she looks at him, he has the most gobsmacked expression she’s ever seen. His mouth works soundlessly, attempting to say something. He’s still scarlet all the way to the tips of his ears, and he’s acting like her baby is _his_. She just can’t hold it in.

She barks a laugh, wetly, at the absurdness.

The sound snaps him from his bizarre stupor, and he tries to relax a little. He still looks a bit starstruck, and a bit sad. “Julia, I… _wow_. I don’t know what to say.” He rakes a hand restlessly through his hair. He seems flustered and overwhelmed. _Join the club,_ Julia thinks with bitterness.

She stares at her hands, numbly. “You don’t have to say anything.”

“Aren’t you happy?” There’s something distressing in his tone, something almost heartsick, but she doesn’t think about it too much, afraid of what she might find there.

Julia frowns. “I…” her mouth hangs open. She should be. She _knows_ she should be. Being a mother is one of the most fulfilling things in her life, and without a doubt Deacon will be over the moon thrilled. Tears finally break through her resistance, and she just doesn’t have the energy to stop them.

“Julia?” he asks, worriedly.

That sweet tone just makes it so much worse.

“ _I don’t know_ ,” she admits, hiccuping a sob. Her whole body is trembling, and it makes her head feel awful. She just can’t stop.

His brows draw together in confusion, and she can’t stand looking at him. Julia certainly didn’t miss that flash of hurt in his eyes. This is all just so stupid, and why did it have to be Bobby with her? Why not someone else? _Anyone_ else. Someone who doesn’t…

“B-Bobby,” she murmurs from the bed, her cheeks streaked with moisture. She can’t keep the words back anymore; she’s fit to burst with them. “I’m sorry.”

He looks over, startled. “Why?”

Julia can’t stop shaking. She’s so _scared,_ so overwhelmed, and she has no idea how to make any of it go away _._ “Because I… I know how you –  your feelings. For me, and I hurt you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

Bobby reaches up to pull the brim of his hat down before realizing it’s sitting on top of the rickety dresser where he tossed it. He frowns. “Julia, don’t worry about that. It isn’t important.”

“Yes! It is!” she snaps, trying to sit up, but her whole world goes spinning again, forcing her to lie down. “I… didn’t… I didn’t know.”

He huffs a mirthless laugh, looking down at his hands, elbows propped against knees. “How’d you find out, anyway? Thought I was pretty good at hiding it.”

She sighs shakily, reaching across the small room toward him. He takes her hand without hesitation. “Deacon. Before you got back from DC… he, well, he spooked. Ran. I had to chase him across half the damn Commonwealth to bring him home. He, um… left me a holotape, kind of a last farewell. Or an apology. _S_ _omething_ … I think he believed I should be with you. Said you wanted me.” Color rises in her cheeks, soon enough matching Bobby’s own. “I _do_ care about you, Bobby, so much, but I… I just couldn’t let him go. Not like that.”

It takes him a bit to reply, leaving Julia on pins and needles waiting. His tone is soft, thoughtful, and tugs at her heartstrings. “Look, I get it. I really do, Julia. Besides, I’ve seen the way you look at each other, and there’s no way I’m coming between that. It’s fine,” he says, finally managing to look at her with some semblance of a smile, “I’m okay with this. I mean, yeah, it sucks that I can’t – But, as long as I can be your friend… as long as I can be close to you like this, it’s all I need.”

New tears well up in her eyes as she squeezes his hand tightly. “You are a saint, Bobby MacCready. Honest to God saint.”

His smile takes on a hint of confusion, and she laughs wetly. Of course he wouldn’t have a clue what a saint is. Very few people do anymore, and while smart in his own right, Bobby is nowhere near as well read as Deacon. She isn’t either, if she’s completely honest.

“It’s a compliment. Just take it,” she grumbles, reluctantly letting go of his hand. She glances out the window near the foot of her bed, light waning, and sighs. “I’m… really scared, Bobby.”

“Why? Haven’t you done this before?” he asks with genuine curiosity.

Julia nods, biting her lip. “Yeah, but I… my pregnancy with Shaun was a very difficult one. I was on bed rest the last three months before he was born.” She swallows down the lump rising in her throat, but she can’t still the tremor in her bottom lip. “When he was born… I started hemorrhaging blood. I nearly _died._ ” Her voice breaks, and a sob rips from her throat.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Bobby says, kneeling at her side. Even so, he looks vaguely horrified. He hesitates before running a hand over her hair. “You’ll get through this. We’ll all help you.”

“But… what if… what if I _don’_ _t_ _?_ There’s no… nothing like then. Nothing _modern._ If I… if that happens again, I’ll die. I _can’t_ leave them. I can’t… I don’t…  _I_ …” She looks up at him, pupils dilated wide with fear and feels like she's adrift in a raging sea. “How am I going to tell Deacon?”

Bobby sighs softly, brushing away her tears. He cups her cheek gently. “Well, unless you’ve been having secret affairs, he’s the dad, right? Well, you’re gonna tell him just the way you told me. Though, I think you might wanna cut out the waterworks. He might cry. Or try to punch me.” He stops in thought and winces. “Actually, he’s probably going to do that anyway. You did collapse on the street.”

Julia doesn’t say anything, small wretched sobs escaping her mouth. More tears replace the ones he brushed away.

“You’re starting a family with someone you love. Leaving something… something you made together behind after you’re gone.” He trips over the last word, his gaze growing distant before he snaps back. An echo of sadness lingers. “This is a good thing, Julia. You need to tell him. He can… he can help you cope better than I can. Or…” his tone turns decidedly impish, “ _distract_ you at the very least.”

She glares at him, scandalized. “Robert MacCready! That is…! Don’t just casually talk about that!”

“Sorry, but I’m just being honest. Sex _is_ a pretty great distraction.” He shrugs, waving the topic away. His eyes light up, seeming to have remembered something. “Curie’s still studying in Diamond City with Doctor Sun, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I mean, she managed to develop a cure for a crap ton of diseases, didn’t she? Means she's good at what she does, and she was just a Nanny bot then. We can swing by on the way, ask her to come back to Sanctuary with us to help. Or maybe Doctor Sun can give you options. He’s one of the best here in the Commonwealth. I’m sure he’d know something or someone who could do something.”

Taking a deep breath, she attempts to stop her tears, but it isn’t working like she’d hoped. Julia should be _happy_ , but she’s just so frightened.

She remembers that look on Nate’s face, when the blood wouldn’t stop. Remembers how the doctors shoved him out of the room in panic, and how she wondered if that would be the last time she ever saw him. She pictures that hopeless, panicked expression on Deacon’s face, and she can’t help but feel terror at the thought of leaving him behind. She knows it would utterly destroy him, especially like this.

“I don’t want to die, Bobby.”

“You _won’t_ ,” he says firmly, taking her hand and squeezing it again. “Get some sleep, alright? Do you want me to get a sedative from Doctor Amari?”

Julia shakes her head. “No. I can… it’s fine. I don’t need it.”

“I’ll use the radio to let everyone know we’re going to be a little later than planned. Don’t worry, Julia. Everything will be fine,” he says with certainty before slowly closing the door.

Hearing his words, the surety of them, Julia almost finds herself believing him.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all... This is... it's _something_. 
> 
> I actually started this before Sehnsucht, but I kept throwing it away. I hated it. I probably scrapped the middle part of this four times (or more) and tweaked the rest like mad. I kept pulling my hair out fiddling with it.
> 
> I'm still not sure I like it, and I'm sorta nervous about posting it. But it's something I wanted to try, and since this whole series is just one big experiment, why not? It might be a little cliche side but *shrug* 
> 
> I really just can't see anyone in the Commonwealth being too worried about protection, I mean most people are probably irradiated to hell and back so it's not that big a deal, but with the way Deacon and Julia have been going... weeeell, sex has consequences? 
> 
> Also, using Deacon's real name is _weird._


End file.
